A FAMILY SUPPORT SERVICE

Our boy Kane

Kane was a wonderful person with a kindness and generosity of spirit surpassed by none. He was a fun and mischevious kids and young adult and made friends easily. I want to get that across first and foremost because that is what defined our boy, not what came later.
Unfortunately Kane also struggled with life a great deal and would often say he never felt 'normal'. Kane had been diagnosed with ADHD, dyslexia and dyspraxia as a teenager but in spite of being statemented and having a personal education plan Kane never got any support at school to help him through, which was a complete waste as Kane was an extremely bright boy with a natural ability in science and technology. Kane rarely seemed to have any sense of risk and often put himself in harms way through some prank or other. Kane experimented with aerosols at first and then moved onto cannabis and then other drugs. Kane's risk taking behaviour increased and so did his drug use. He started to use 'party' drugs when he went out at first, but then quickly progressed to taking whatever pills he could get his hands on - uppers during the day and downers at night. Eventually this lead to heroin.

Kane's mental health also deteriorated and he was often so low he found himself at the brink. He experienced bereavement in ways that no young person should experience, with 3 close friends dying in quick succession- none related to drugs. He struggled with the deaths of his friends and never got over them.
We asked for social services help, but the mental health team wouldn't get involved because they decided that Kane's mental health problems were due to his drug use and the Drug and Alcohol team wouldn't get involed because they decided that his mental health issues were too specialist and that it they could be brought under control Kane's wouldn't use. So he fell between the gaps.I remember one day talking to a friend who's brother had seen Kane stumbling along the road. One of his friend! s made some derogatory comments about ... "he's a right brown head". When my friend told me this I confronted Kane, as did his mum and gran and he vehemently denied using heroin-in fact he was very cross. But by and by it came out that Kane was using heroin...first of all smoking it and then finally...injecting It was heartbreaking. I loved Kane much more than my nephew, he and I had such a close bond and he would turn to me for someone to talk to or for advice. I always tried very hard to walk that tightrope between enabling someone and cutting them off altogether. And so I never gave him money and he couldnt' come to visit me at my house as I have two small children of my own. But I always tried to give him love, make sure that, emotionally at least, he had me as a soft place to land. And I made sure he always had a small amount of food - bread and beans usually, heat and shelter and soap and washing powder to keep himself clean. It was all I could think of. Thing is everyone has to deal with things in their own way and do what they feel they have to do. I could judge others for the choices they make in dealing with a loved one with an addiction and they could judge me, but ultimately everyone has to live with the choices they make and if their hearts tell them that's what they must do then that is what they must do- regardless of what anyone else might tell them they should do. Over a short space of time Kane's addiction quickly got out of control. He spent time in and out of prison. He existed in this very murky underworld of drugs and violent people who have no integrity, respect or humanity left within them. It was extremely frightening.
There would be late night calls from Kane who was in a bad way telling me "Auntie Clare my head's going" and we'd talk for hours until he felt he could go to sleep. It wasn't always like that. Sometimes he'd call me up because he had heard a new Streets song and really wanted me to listen the lyrics because he said "it was like he wrote them for me to you!"!. Those moments were simply golden to me then and are even more so now.

Every few weeks there would be a new crisis for me to help him with....landlord about to kick him out...... trouble with police........ or probation services...... benefits advice.....no electricity....... no heat , blankets or quilts with 4 inches of snow outside..... unwell with pneumonia and physically unable to get to the doctors....cold.....hungry.....homeless.....desperate. My life, in spite of having a family of my own, a full time job and training 5 nights a week , was still chocka block full of Kane. If I look back through my work diary now it is just full of scribbled references to do with Kane, telephone numbers, addresses, contact details for professionals and so on. In the spring of 2011 Kane asked to be put on a Subutex script. This was agreed and for a few months Kane did really well. He had a new girlfriend, was engaging with all the professionals assigned to work with him and things were looking on the up. All his relationships seemed to be on the up. We were all incredibly proud of him. He chosen a different life...at last......but I was scared for him. I was scared that should anything in the relationship with this girlfriend fail he would fall hard and fast...and essentially that's what happened. Things went wrong and Kane went off the rails..big time. He was utterly desperate. Finding himself one night in a police station for 16 hours he found that his Subutex script had been stopped as he had not collected it. He was told he'd have to go back the waiting list. He was incredibly low, it was like a final kick in the teeth. Quickly he found himself in hospital, then prison.
Within 3 days of coming out of prison he was dead.I found him, along with his mum, my sister. I cannot begin to tell you how utterly devastating it is. No matter how many years you may sit and wait for the knock at the door to say your loved one is dead can actually prepare you. You hope it might at the time, but believe me.!..it doesn't..at all. We are glad it was us who found him but! it haunts us, and, understandably I don't think we'll ever get over that completely. It changes you inside to find someone you love like that.
Since Kane's death we have come together as a family (..and extended family with all of Kane's old best friends) in a way that lights us all up. We have given Kane a send off that he will love. Doing all this helps us but it is early days and it will take time to put the pieces of our lives back together...
..and there will always be that Kane shaped piece missing...and no matter how hard we try..we can never bring back that handsome blue eyed boy, with the beautiful smile and a heart as big the ocean itself.

Kane's Auntie Clare xxxx